Mitch hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had $3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh**. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.